#sadafayazwrites On Patterns, Anxiety, and A Thing Called Depression

June 14th, 2018
I spent this past month recognizing patterns. Both in my life and in the lives of others. 

While fasting, I was able to take a step away from the world to focus on myself like an outsider seeing everything unfold in slo-mo. 

I noticed moments and words that were actually triggers. I admitted that sometimes when I was feeling overwhelmed it wasn’t just nothing that would leave in a few minutes if I could *just* switch my mindset. I recognized it as anxiousness. As anxiety. 

I noticed my low moments as depression and how it’s not there all the time (at least not to it’s fullest) but still there lingering. I recognized that there were things in my life I wasn’t happy about partly because of me and partly because of external factors. I recognized that I had made mistakes in the way I handled some moments of my life. 

But most of all I recognized that instead of numbing myself and distancing myself from a scary emotion and experience, it’s easier to just embrace it and live it to the fullest so it can have its moment and move on. I also recognized that THAT^ is not easy.

Today as I write this I recognize that while an idealistic life is an amazing goal to strive for, it’s not the be all and end all. That sometimes it’s a great quality to be a perfectionist but at other times it’s just as amazing to let go, be spontaneous, and go with the flow. Even if at first it feels uncomfortable. 

I recognize right now that balance isn’t a straight line. Maybe it’s the journey of straying too far right then finding my way back and then sometimes straying too far left and then finding my way. Perhaps balance is in the moments of realization that I am wrong and that there can be a game plan to get myself back. 

But most of all, this month I realized that no one except me is going to make me happy and that I need to stop giving a flip about what other people have to say or how they feel about me. 

I realized that I need to put my emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual well-being above everything else and do it with purpose. 
Walking around scrambled internally with worry and pretending everything is okay is not how the problems in my life are going to be solved.
And that sometimes it’s okay to have vulnerable and deep confrontational conversations with yourself and sometimes with a kind nudge of encouragement through provocative thoughts and questions from those who love us most.
To those I disappear on at times, I’m sorry. I’m working on it. I hope you understand. And I hope that you can talk with me about what I’m doing rather than walking away. I promise, if I know where I am wrong I will make, at least, a conscious effort to be better. Not just me, everyone will.
Let’s not spin aimlessly in circles when we can all spin in wonderful bliss together. May the rest of the following months bring you all understanding and happiness. Eid Mubarak to everyone celebrating!❤❤
Also, let me know what you guys were able to realize and accomplish this past month!

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